I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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