The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
whose parrot is this?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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