Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We are all done wearing pants today
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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