Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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