Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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