My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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