Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
