I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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