She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
