He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
