I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
