My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
