I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
