When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize