I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
