So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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