I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
They took my balls.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
