You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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