I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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