I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
