Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think a kid would responsible me up
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize