I feel great
I just peed on a car
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
