Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
