I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
