I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
