I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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