I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I would ride that face into the sunset
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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