I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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