she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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