You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
