when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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