If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
