i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
