Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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