There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You ruined the universe
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
