I think scott just propositioned me for sex
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
