Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
