Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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