This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
