I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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