So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
