I got chris browned last night
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
