After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Ketchup is God's man juice
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
