Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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