i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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