i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
