And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize