I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
