Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
