Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
my liver is dry heaving
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
