Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I smell like Dick and happiness
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