I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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