Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I need water and some morals
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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