Will you blow on my dice?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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