I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
