when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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