so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
